I’m having a motherhood identity crisis! My spirit animal right now:
My motherhood identity crisis consists of many things, however none compare to how I feel about my post-pregnancy body.
The struggle is real
Every damn day. I kid you not. Once I get those puppies on, I better cinch them on with a belt ‘else they start wiggling themselves down my rolls of fat, and down my ass.
Who’s that B in the mirror?
I remember the first time I looked in the mirror <naked> post-baby. I think that was more traumatizing than the havoc that was unleashed on my lady-bits from delivery.
Truth: One-year later, I still don’t see myself in my mind the way I really look.
Working out is a joke
My attempts at fitness are a joke. You fit ladies would laugh and scoff at my attitude towards fitness. It consists of a vicious cycle of one day feeling super motivated, feeling that brief post-workout high (provided I didn’t pass out from exertion), then binging on horrible food and feeling guilty. I like to span my attempts at trying to better myself with weeks to months between repeating the cycle.
Truth: I tried running today. I wanted to die.
Doing the baby dance isn’t as much fun when you hate seeing yourself naked (no matter how many times your partner tells says you look great).
Oh and all that baby weight that didn’t disappear with breastfeeding (the lies!!!)? Plus weight from another pregnancy?
Truth: I didn’t lose the weight from my first. It still makes me feel a little better a year later to call it “baby-weight.”
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t contemplated throwing all my pictures of myself from the past year into photoshop and making them less cringeworthy.
I hate that I’m that vain.
Truth: There is an awesome Tucson photographer Jade Beall, who photographs mothers showing their real bodies. Big, small, skinny, fat. I envy her skills, and ALL the bravery.
I know what you’re thinking. You either think I’m vain, lazy, fishing for compliments, or some bitchy/former skinny girl who hasn’t a clue what it’s like.
You’re probably right on all accounts.
I miss looking in the mirror and thinking “wow I look hot.”
Long ago seem the days where all I didn’t have to angle the camera to avoid the double, nay, triple chin.
I miss feeling motivated to workout. In my former career, I was active. Always outdoors, lifting heavy equipment, and never having to worry about what I ate.
Truth: At the end of the day after chasing down a toddler, and dealing with a myriad of meltdowns, the last thing I want to do is exercise in front of the tv. I would much rather sit on my ass or go to bed.
I miss my old boobs.
All my old clothes wait, packed in boxes and stuffed in bags hoping to see the light of day again.
I’d never judge another on their weight, I PROMISE! Truth: it’s been a tough reality for me.
The reality is I can change my current state. I can choose to eat healthy. There is no reason why I can’t do yoga in my living room instead of using my go-to excuse of not affording the gym. I can stop buying and eating the same junk I’ve been eating (I swear my 1-year old eats 1,000-times better than I do).
The reality is I can change how I look. I don’t have to settle with the motherhood identity crisis I’m in.
I am a bad-ass bitch despite it all. One-year ago I birthed an awesome boy. We’ve survived the first year, and he is truly one of few things I have no regrets about.
My motherhood identity crisis
Here is to all the ladies out there struggling with these same issues! Let’s learn to love ourselves no matter what size. Big, small, bony, or squishy.
I’m a mom, and at the end of the day my son could care less if I fit in my skinny jeans today. I’ll bet your little would agree.